*l.a.*

*Los Angeles*The City of Angels*The City of Assholes*Lalaland*Hell A*Southland*El Lay*El Pueblo*The Basin*City of Flowers and Sunshine*The Big Orange*Tinseltown*

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED IN MY 1/2 YEAR HERE:

• LA is full of amazing people.
• LA is full of crazy, I mean crrrazy people.
• The weather is unbelievable.
• The summer can be unbearable.
• Everyone is in "the industry".
• Most people who claim to be in "the industry" are full of shit.
• Apparently in NY, "Fuck you" means "Have a nice day"
• Apparently in LA, "Have a nice day" means "Fuck you".
• People are cheerful!
• People drive like blind, angry monkeys.
• The sun makes for fun!
• The smog makes for sinus infections.

But I'm happy here! And the creative energy is flowing! And I have plans and projects and ideas!

And I never expected this from LA.

But I was hoping...

So I'm staying.

For now.

Believe in yourself! Why the hell not?

Somehow or another,

Over the course of 3 or 4 years,

Decision-making has become quite difficult.

My mind will work overtime without breaks

Until I'm completely confused and totally drained.

The momentum builds, frustration rises,

And I become paralyzed.

But

Somehow or another,

Over the course of 3 or 4 weeks,

Decision-making has become quite simple!

My mind thrives on puzzles and problems,

My mind is a trickster and a brat.

But

My inner self thrives on reaching goals,

My inner self has everything it could ever want or need and is totally at peace.

And

If I can get out of my own way long enough to listen,

My inner self has all the answers.

And

That makes life joyful and amazing!

Beautiful and fun!

Interesting and full of possibility.

The choice is to see.

The trick is to choose.

True Story

The truth is, this blog is my new analytical playground, and this one has crossed over into full on diary mode.

The truth is, I'm exhausted.

I've spent the last 4-5 months writing, rehearsing and applying to 4 graduate programs.

2 of the 4 have rejected me.

3 of the 4 have interviewed me.

I've laid my heart out on the line for each one.

The truth is, I feel like a failure.

The truth is, I'm not!

The truth is, I've worked my ass off and accomplished a lot.

The truth is, I'm ready for some chill time.

The truth is, I can't get everything I want.

The truth is, I can't get every guy I want.

The truth is, people I know who don't get what they want become interesting and beautiful.

The truth is, I have more than I could ever ask for.

The truth is, I have an endless capacity for giving.

The truth is, I have the best friends anyone could want.

The truth is, they struggle and fight and succeed!

The truth is, it's time to be present.

The truth is, it's time to feel joy!

The truth,

is paradoxical

is intangible

is alive

is multi-faceted

is personal

is universal.

This is the truth.

Ooh LaLa

Tonight I'll board a bus that takes me to a train that takes me to the BART that takes me to San Francisco. Tomorrow night I fly back to Los Angeles.

With each visit home my heart beats faster upon arrival, the magic of San Francisco comes into sharper focus and I dream about moving back. And yet, there are days like today, when the sun is shining bright and the smog is light and not a cloud is in sight and I wonder, are you trying to woo me LaLa? My love life continues to be complicated. Two cities, multiple personalities and no idea about anything other than the beauty of life. Every moment is a gift.

The cafe is quiet, the possibilities are endless, the next few weeks will determine the next few years of my life. Go back to school? Go back to San Francisco? Settle for a bit in LA? Or none of the above!? Will this lunar new year bring good fortune? Love? Art? A puppy??? The shrinkage of some bills... ?

Elliott Smith croons to me:

Drink up, baby, stay up all night
The things you could do, you won't but you might
The potential you'll be that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make
Drink up with me now and forget all about
The pressure of days, do what I say
And I'll make you okay and drive them away
The images stuck in your head
People you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still
Drink up, baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars
Where I'm seeing you there with your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught
Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart, deep in my heart
Separate from the rest, where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot
The people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

NEW!

NEW PROJECT!

http://revolutionready.wordpress.com/

small chai.

You steal a long breath from the bag of espresso beans and fill the grinder. The rain is pouring, and the grey scene beyond the glass is almost like San Francisco. There is a tornado warning in Los Angeles. The buzz surrounding this is almost as funny to you as the change in color status on the Homeland Security signs in the airport. You wonder, for a moment, if laughing at this sort of thing is like tempting fate and remember your 'new found Atheism': Nothing means anything, life is beautiful and full of contradictions, coincidences and confusions.

My thoughts are my own, my thoughts are my own, no one and no thing can punish me for my thoughts! Hmph.

In your head, a friend laughs at your attempted rebellion. You laugh at yourself and move on to the more stimulating events of the work day, conversation and eavesdropping.

Two young girls approach the counter. Both with shoulders hunched, peering up at you like stylish, little giraffes, one begins to speak, "um", she sweetly whispers, "could I get a small chai?" You want to say, "don't worry honey, I don't bite!" but instead look at her and wonder why anyone would choose to speak in such a soft and frightened voice. Is that supposed to be attractive or just the result of an inferiority complex? You hand her the hot drink and work on her friend's order as they chat about Haiti. "I really wish I could just go there and help, you know?" says 'friend'. You stare at the slowly browning pastry in the oven, the heat warming your cheeks. You wonder, what would it be like to just stop life, pick up and go to a part of the world that needs some help? What is it that is stopping you from doing just that? Greed, fear, selfishness, disconnection? What can you do about this?

What will you do?

"Ding!"

You hand 'friend' her croissant. The door opens and a gust of wind and rain blows in as the cars rush by on Hyperion.

skunk.

The skunk scurried across the street at dusk.

The car in front of me slowed down and seemed to swerve but the skunk swerved too.

There it was in the middle of the road.

Roadkill.

Fully intact except for the puncture that popped it like a water balloon.

No blood but a fountain of whitish liquid squirting straight into the air.

The smell overwhelmed me as I passed trying not to hold up traffic.

Nothing could be done.

What can I do? What do I do?

My chest was pounding and I heard myself say 'fuck' over and over with my left hand on my heart.

I felt sad and confused that a life had ended before my eyes.

No one to mourn with and no one to get angry at,

I just sat with the feeling of this little skunk and let myself smell its defense weapon as I made my way home.

Life can be short.