Ooh LaLa

Tonight I'll board a bus that takes me to a train that takes me to the BART that takes me to San Francisco. Tomorrow night I fly back to Los Angeles.

With each visit home my heart beats faster upon arrival, the magic of San Francisco comes into sharper focus and I dream about moving back. And yet, there are days like today, when the sun is shining bright and the smog is light and not a cloud is in sight and I wonder, are you trying to woo me LaLa? My love life continues to be complicated. Two cities, multiple personalities and no idea about anything other than the beauty of life. Every moment is a gift.

The cafe is quiet, the possibilities are endless, the next few weeks will determine the next few years of my life. Go back to school? Go back to San Francisco? Settle for a bit in LA? Or none of the above!? Will this lunar new year bring good fortune? Love? Art? A puppy??? The shrinkage of some bills... ?

Elliott Smith croons to me:

Drink up, baby, stay up all night
The things you could do, you won't but you might
The potential you'll be that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make
Drink up with me now and forget all about
The pressure of days, do what I say
And I'll make you okay and drive them away
The images stuck in your head
People you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still
Drink up, baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars
Where I'm seeing you there with your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught
Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart, deep in my heart
Separate from the rest, where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot
The people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Pink Sunset and Pink Wine

I'm in Santa Fe, New Mexico and I'm drunk.

I spent the day exploring by myself, taking pictures of everything and writing in my journal. I had planned on posting a blog about the magic of this place, the beauty, the food...  I wrote it all out in my moleskine at the coffee shop and now, here I am, throwing it out the window and rambling on.  It's not even that late, the room smells like garlic (from my attempt at curing a cold by chewing a raw clove) and I'm drunk-blogging for the first time ever...

But it has been a magical night.  I'm here with my oldest and dearest friend Raji, and her wonderful dog Wailer.  A few years back Raji lived with me in the Lower Haight for a semester during college and we had a tradition of sitting in our backyard and philosophizing over a few bottles of cheap, pink wine, as we lovingly call it.  

We paid homage to that tradition tonight and sat in her cozy back deck in the warm Santa Fe night drinking and taking turns playing the guitar.  We talked about life, friends, childhood, the future, our love lives, having babies, dealing with ex's, women in the film industry, African dance and health care reform.  Yes, we are crazy. We've known each other since we were five years old and there is something special about being able to share your history with someone you love and respect.  We know each other inside and out.

Country girls at heart, we wailed out bluegrass tunes on the peacock guitar and tried to harmonize between sips of cheap wine as Wailer snoozed below us. Everything washes away, this is one of those moments where everything just feels right and charged with emotion and beauty. This is my life and I love it.

During the day, the sky here is a brilliant blue sprinkled with glowing scoops of fluffy cream.  At night it's full of stars.  The air is hot and prickly and the food is rich and spicy.  My heart aches for my city and my friends but the mischievous voice who whispered to me in the night and lured me away has stolen my affection.  My gypsy blood has been stirred and I'm compelled to stay in motion.  This is the first leg of my journey. Soon I'll be back in California, 

"Oh California I'm comin' home, make me feel good rock and roll band, I'm your biggest fan, California I'm comin' home [...] I am on a lonely road and I am travelling... looking for something what can it be?" -Joni Mitchell.

Heading south.  Nothing and everything awaits me.

The Beginning

Some days the shit hits the fan (or runs down the staircase, as it were).
Yesterday was one of those days.

Yesterday was my last day to move out.

Yesterday I owed people large amounts of money and other people owed me large amounts of money too. Yesterday a good friend got fired and another got a raise. Yesterday I carried all my belongings out of my second story apartment and into my temporary two week four story apartment. Yesterday my ass got a workout.

Yesterday I had crackers with peanut butter for dinner. Yesterday a sick little dog wandered out of her resting place and shat all over the stairs. This brought tears to an already stressed roommates' eyes and complicated some business between friends...

Yesterday the carpet I slept on gave me a rug-burn on my wrist and I dreamt I was sentenced to die but first had to dive underwater and detonate a bomb. Yesterday I kind of wanted to give up and crawl into a hole. Thank god I survived yesterday. Yesterday is OVER! Shit is resolved and today I am free!

Today I will lose myself to the buzz and sting of the needle on my skin as I mark this transition and dissolve into that lovely numbing pain that tunes out all other noise. Today I get ink from a childhood friend who made his way (like me) from the east coast to the west. Today I'll spend hours in pure presence, unable to avoid or ignore and marvelling at my own strength and badassness! Today I treat myself. Today I am fresh. Today I am free. Today I start my weekend and today I start a new adventure!

Today is August 1.
Today is the Beginning.

The Dog Farm

Everything comes in waves and when the swell is too big you find yourself pummelled. Grasping at the shifting sand, gasping for a breath of air, you try to open your wet, salty eyes to see. If you make it out alive, a bit of rest is in order.

I had to leave for the weekend.

Sitting here in a quiet little house in a beautiful beach town I can't help but feel like I'm someone else. I'm calling it the "dog farm" because three adorable Boston Terriers seem to be running the place at the moment.

As the sun begins to set, Riva and I are moving around the house in our long white nightgowns going about our separate activities. Reading, sewing, sleeping, snacking.

The crumbs from our long gone sandwiches cast little shadows on the lap trays we used in the living room. Our sun-browned skin, a stark contrast to the white, is soft with the layers of Shea butter we diligently melted and applied. The only sounds are those of birds, neighbor children in the distance and the chewing and snorting of the pups.

As I napped with the youngest one pressed against my chest and belly I measured the difference in our breaths and dozed in and out of strange fever dreams. This place is peaceful, this place is not my home and I'm reminded of the imminent and oh-so-familiar in between feeling that I'll soon be living in again.

When I close my eyes I can feel the waves bobbing me up and down.

When I open them I remember,

I am here.

Here is where I am.