Monday, October 12, 2009

Sit. Breathe. Sit. Breathe.

The day-to-day is good.
I don't save lives
but I put love into lattes
and give smiles to strangers
and send support to sisters and friends
and receive it in abundance.
The day-to-day is great.

Following my heart (and crazy whims) has always brought me to the exact place I need to be. When I arrive it's usually different than what I had expected but always surprisingly right. This week has been one of those times when things began effortlessly clicking into place. Letting go feels so amazing! I'm free!

Moving to a new place has given me a lot of perspective on my life and what I'm doing with it. Old desires are gently falling away like the skin of a snake and a new kind of clarity is emerging. It must be a "life-phase-thing" or "quarter-life-crisis" moment but I feel some major changes coming on and they are both surprising and yet make total sense to me.

I have finally realized that I'm an artist with no desire to climb any ladder or fit into any box or "type". I don't need to succeed by anyone else's terms to do what I do. I no longer feel the need to pursue acting as a career but rather to nurture all of my artistic tendencies as creative endeavors that require no compensation or recognition apart from that of my closest peers. As far as work and career goes I'm overwhelmed with the desire to help people in a more specific and immediate way and my interest in psychology, art and the human mind are leading me towards a slightly different path...

My womanly nesting desire is starting to bubble up but not in the way I thought it would. I don't want to nest with a guy and make babies or anything but for the first time ever I actually want to live alone. I want to settle somewhere for awhile, without the plan to move, and I think I have an idea of where that place is, but I'm going to meditate on it. I feel the want for a little tiny home and a plant and maybe a 3-legged old dog or something, but I finally feel like the most important thing to me is to be a contributing member of a community. A community is like a family and I want to be a part of one. It's just interesting to notice these thoughts and feelings because I've been searching for a few years now without any solid goal and it's just funny to watch it shift around. Who knows where it'll be in a week.

It's scary to accept change and it's hard to let go of attachments that we've had for most of our lives but when it happens the reward is a sense of inner peace and freedom. I don't want to struggle anymore to "make things happen" in my life, I just want to go with the flow, help others around me and continue striving towards living in the moment. It may seem like an obvious realization but the impact is huge, something is happening, I think I'm on the verge of a new chapter, maybe even a new book altogether! Buckle up, here we go again.

Really good advice to me from a trusted source: "Don't just do something, sit there".
Gotta go meditate.


  1. I have recently come to the same conclusion in terms of acting vs. career with myself. I've really enjoyed reading your blog; it's nice to have a window into how the lives of people I've cared about over the years. You will do such wonderful things in this world, I'm so excited for you for that.

  2. Thank you! It's nice to have the connection to you all too. The acting thing is a weird one cause we don't want to feel like we've "given up" on something, but when you kind of realize nothing has to change except the parts you hate about it, then you realize you're not losing anything at all. And I hope I can do great things! That's the plan!

  3. you said exactly what im feeling / thinking...
    ive decided recently to take on new ventures... be me... from being creative w/ all thing created... yes.. photography is a career goal.. however... to create from w/ in and to create multi dimensionally is the task at hand... whatever comes our way... ! :)
    it has taken me a long time.. i as well cant wait to be part of and contribute to a community... SF is one kind.. LA is another... but I kinda think I know what you're looking for..
    I'll be back in LA in Jan/Feb... for a lil while...
    hopefully we will make our paths cross!