Sit. Breathe. Sit. Breathe.

The day-to-day is good.

I don't save lives

but I put love into lattes

and give smiles to strangers

and send support to sisters and friends

and receive it in abundance.

The day-to-day is great.

Following my heart (and crazy whims) has always brought me to the exact place I need to be. When I arrive it's usually different than what I had expected but always surprisingly right. This week has been one of those times when things began effortlessly clicking into place. Letting go feels so amazing! I'm free!

Moving to a new place has given me a lot of perspective on my life and what I'm doing with it. Old desires are gently falling away like the skin of a snake and a new kind of clarity is emerging. It must be a "life-phase-thing" or "quarter-life-crisis" moment but I feel some major changes coming on and they are both surprising and yet make total sense to me.

I have finally realized that I'm an artist with no desire to climb any ladder or fit into any box or "type". I don't need to succeed by anyone else's terms to do what I do. I no longer feel the need to pursue acting as a career but rather to nurture all of my artistic tendencies as creative endeavors that require no compensation or recognition apart from that of my closest peers. As far as work and career goes I'm overwhelmed with the desire to help people in a more specific and immediate way and my interest in psychology, art and the human mind are leading me towards a slightly different path...

My womanly nesting desire is starting to bubble up but not in the way I thought it would. I don't want to nest with a guy and make babies or anything but for the first time ever I actually want to live alone. I want to settle somewhere for awhile, without the plan to move, and I think I have an idea of where that place is, but I'm going to meditate on it. I feel the want for a little tiny home and a plant and maybe a 3-legged old dog or something, but I finally feel like the most important thing to me is to be a contributing member of a community. A community is like a family and I want to be a part of one. It's just interesting to notice these thoughts and feelings because I've been searching for a few years now without any solid goal and it's just funny to watch it shift around. Who knows where it'll be in a week.

It's scary to accept change and it's hard to let go of attachments that we've had for most of our lives but when it happens the reward is a sense of inner peace and freedom. I don't want to struggle anymore to "make things happen" in my life, I just want to go with the flow, help others around me and continue striving towards living in the moment. It may seem like an obvious realization but the impact is huge, something is happening, I think I'm on the verge of a new chapter, maybe even a new book altogether! Buckle up, here we go again.

Really good advice to me from a trusted source: "Don't just do something, sit there".

Gotta go meditate.

Butt on Cushion

We spend a lot of time looking for the answers to our problems.

OK, how about: I spend a lot of time looking for the answers to my problems.  I dunno what you do.

Sometimes this “time” is during the day, sometimes I’m looking late at night, sometimes, wait… I’m always searching!  I’m so frequently searching for answers, solutions, fixes, and ways to avoid pain and seek out pleasure that I often forget the simplest thing: The Now!

Freedom from suffering is in “the now”, peace is in “the now”.  It’s all here, now!  In this moment… and this moment… and this moment.

Last week was my first week in LA.  It was a roller coaster ride made up of the highest levels of excitement and the lowest and darkest fears.  I made some new friends and connected with old ones, I suffered through the hottest heat and breathed ash and smoke from the burning fires all around, I spent hours and hours each day applying for jobs and even more hours in the car driving, I went to the ER for the first time in my life due to some really bad acid reflux (and a few other little problems in my body which lead me to believe I might have been dying on Saturday night) then I went to Irvine and had some very rejuvenating “mommy time” (with Lissy’s mom, and dad, and dogs, and pool!) I made it back to my room in one piece, got a check in the mail from my own parents (allowing me to survive for the next week or so) and went to three different job interviews yesterday and one today!

Will all this drama happening I hadn’t meditated once!  But last night I finally got my butt on a cushion and found another home away from home.  (Wherever that second “home” may be…)  I made it to Dharma Punx!  The weekly sitting group I attended in San Francisco (with Vinny). Dharma Punx actually has its home base right here in LA with Noah Levine!  I thank my lucky stars (er, um, Stephen) that I know about it.

Meditating last night was harder than it used to be in SF.  It’s easy to bring your mind back to the present when it’s only wandering off to, “who did buy the last roll of toilet paper?” or, “I wonder if that guy’s gonna call?”  But when it wanders over to, “I wonder if I’ll ever get a job, what if I lose my apartment, what if I have to leave California or what if I just become a homeless person?”  Getting “present” becomes a little trickier.  That’s why meditation is called a practice though!  You practice it!  It’s not easy, it doesn’t work over night and it takes lots and lots and lots of practice.

There are plenty of “what ifs” and some are more convincing to the mind than others but the fact remains, this is the now, now this is happening.  Not what might happen, or what did happen, those are my stories.  All there is, is this!  I am here.  Here, is where I am.  For me, this is the key, this is the answer, this is the best thing I can possibly do for myself and this is why I gotta get my butt on that cushion.  Nothing else in my life has benefited me so greatly.  Go meditate!  Now.

Monday Morning Meditation On A Latte

He said "it ain't easy being green..."  I say, "it ain't easy being.  Period."

Too early to be up on a day off, I left my car at the shop for a tune-up and zombie-walked over to Four Barrel for some caffeine.  Groggy, confused and mesmerized by the intricate leaf design in my latte I reach for my laptop.

No wireless.

Oh yeah, I do remember reading some ridiculous Yelp rant about this at some point.  Forced to sit and scribble on my yellow pad instead I start to wonder...  Why is it so hard to just be here?

If I set down this writing I'm alone, vulnerable and with my thoughts: What am I doing here anyway?  Who are these hipsters walking in and what are they thinking about?  Did the barista judge me for my attempt at Internet connection?  

Thoughts.  Stories.  Mental clutter!  None of this is reality, right?  If I put down this pencil I will have to sit here and exist.  So much harder than it sounds!  Perhaps the discomfort is due to the fact that so much of our culture promotes avoidance and escapism.  Perhaps Four Barrel is more than just your average aesthetically pleasing coffee shop but, in fact, a revolutionary concept, challenging us multi-taskers to chill.  Sit.  Drink.  Relax.

Well, this could be my imagination or another story I've created to amuse myself but either way, I'm rising to the challenge.  I'm going to sit, be present and mindfully sip my latte, which happens to be quite delicious.

I am here.  Here is where I am.

Time to be.

Pencil down.

"Meditate and Destroy" - Noah Levine

“The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed.” -- Buddha

During this hectic transition in my life the fruits of my meditative labors are more apparent than ever.

In meditation I bring myself from the crazy world of my thoughts back to the present. Over and over and over and over...

Working through the details of my move and going about all the preparations I often find myself projecting into the future or becoming nostalgic about the past. It's easy to get caught up and forget that I am here, now. It's like one big meditation constantly coming back to the present and I'm so grateful that I can.

A friend said, "you have one hour to live, what do you do?"

After thinking about it for a moment I realized, meditate, get present, LIVE!

I spend a lot of time in my head and when I actually drop out of that and live life I realize what I'm missing.

A work in progress, perfection and imperfection, I'm all of it and I'm glad of it.

MEDITATE AND DESTROY!

The Beginning!

So, I'm still in San Francisco but the move to Los Angeles is getting closer every day and I'm already starting to transition into OTHERLAND.

The process of getting rid of stuff has been both emotionally draining and at the same time liberating!

I'm trying to go pretty light and minimal.

The craigslist hunting has been a trip so far. I've seen everything from college kids to single mom's to an artist looking for a nude model in exchange for free rent!

I've been e-mailing away, trying to save money and just mentally preparing for the big shift.

I recently got to go on an amazing silent retreat at Spirit Rock and the high from that experience lingers and inspires me during these crazy days.

Still trying to meditate and stay present and just let everything flow around me.

I have no place to move in to, no car to drive down in and less stuff every day...

I've never felt better!

All I can do is keep trying to make it happen and keep breathing.

We shall see!

So... if you have a car to sell in SF or a place for rent in LA or if you just want some free stuff from me let me know! It's going fast but I still have some cool junk that I don't need.