True Story

The truth is, this blog is my new analytical playground, and this one has crossed over into full on diary mode.

The truth is, I'm exhausted.

I've spent the last 4-5 months writing, rehearsing and applying to 4 graduate programs.

2 of the 4 have rejected me.

3 of the 4 have interviewed me.

I've laid my heart out on the line for each one.

The truth is, I feel like a failure.

The truth is, I'm not!

The truth is, I've worked my ass off and accomplished a lot.

The truth is, I'm ready for some chill time.

The truth is, I can't get everything I want.

The truth is, I can't get every guy I want.

The truth is, people I know who don't get what they want become interesting and beautiful.

The truth is, I have more than I could ever ask for.

The truth is, I have an endless capacity for giving.

The truth is, I have the best friends anyone could want.

The truth is, they struggle and fight and succeed!

The truth is, it's time to be present.

The truth is, it's time to feel joy!

The truth,

is paradoxical

is intangible

is alive

is multi-faceted

is personal

is universal.

This is the truth.

Ooh LaLa

Tonight I'll board a bus that takes me to a train that takes me to the BART that takes me to San Francisco. Tomorrow night I fly back to Los Angeles.

With each visit home my heart beats faster upon arrival, the magic of San Francisco comes into sharper focus and I dream about moving back. And yet, there are days like today, when the sun is shining bright and the smog is light and not a cloud is in sight and I wonder, are you trying to woo me LaLa? My love life continues to be complicated. Two cities, multiple personalities and no idea about anything other than the beauty of life. Every moment is a gift.

The cafe is quiet, the possibilities are endless, the next few weeks will determine the next few years of my life. Go back to school? Go back to San Francisco? Settle for a bit in LA? Or none of the above!? Will this lunar new year bring good fortune? Love? Art? A puppy??? The shrinkage of some bills... ?

Elliott Smith croons to me:

Drink up, baby, stay up all night
The things you could do, you won't but you might
The potential you'll be that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make
Drink up with me now and forget all about
The pressure of days, do what I say
And I'll make you okay and drive them away
The images stuck in your head
People you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still
Drink up, baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars
Where I'm seeing you there with your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught
Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart, deep in my heart
Separate from the rest, where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot
The people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

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